Satan Invented White Zinfandel

I’m going to put this out there, because I’m a generous guy and I only want what’s best for you.

As a Roman Catholic (that is, one who believes in an everlasting life beyond this “mortal coil” and an afterlife punishment defined as a separation from love) I have to tell you: IF you drink White Zinfandel YOU WILL GO TO HELL.

Wow.  What an incredibly insensitive thing to write!  How could anyone even think such a thing? Because (ahem) I happen to know, for a fact, that:

IF YOU DRINK WHITE ZINFANDEL YOU WILL GO TO HELL!

I know that’s a bit shocking; but just grab onto that little nugget of information and stick with me here.  This information is both free and valuable advice which you will thank me for in the moments to come.  In fact, by the time you’re done reading this blog post you’ll be so happy that I passed this advice along to you that you’ll find yourself clamoring to wear a “Steve Runner for World Emperor” Tee-Shirt.

See, here’s the thing about White Zinfandel.  It’s evil.

Yeah, I know…sounds crazy right? 

Now, you and I can argue about the existence of a fallen angel named Lucifer, The Devil, Abaddon, the Accuser, Antichrist, Beelzebub, Father of Lies, Leviathan, Son of Perdition, or as it is commonly known: Satan…I don’t really have an opinion on the subject, so I’ll leave that to you…but for the sake of our discussion today, let’s assume that there is such a beast, and that it’s raison de etre is to soil the bodies of mankind with a beverage that looks like a fine Rose, but taste like cherry flavored battery acid.

This, my friends: is White Zinfandel.

But before I can explain to you exactly WHY it is that Satan invented this abomination; I need to give you a brief history of its origins.

In the early 1970’s, a winery in Napa Valley California found themselves with a problem. The batch of Zinfandel (known in Italy as Primitivo) grapes that they were fermenting “got stuck”; that is: not all of the sugar in the grapes were being converted into alcohol.

What the wine historians won’t tell you is that it was Satan who killed the yeast, causing that huge vat of wine to suffer.  But that creature is a crafty one, and it knew that the vintners at Sutter Home Winery would set aside this batch for later.  When they came back to it in a few weeks; on Satan’s personal suggestion the winemakers tasted this overly sweetened  swamp-muck grape-like goo and decided to call it: Cabernet Blanc.

Except, that it wasn’t Blanc. It wasn’t even rose colored.  It was flaky brick and rusty colored.  It looked like the prehistoric primordial soup from which life sprang forth: except there was nothing living in this cesspool of fluids.

So what’s a winemaker to do when the batch has gone bad?  Add chemicals, apply reverse osmosis, pump flavored yeasts in, employ micro-oxidization, add bacteria to start malolactic fermentation, dump in enzymes to build color and change flavor, spray in gallons of gelatin to improve mouth feel and remove bitterness, add defoaming and microbial-control agents (such as Velcorin, a flammable toxin).

All of these methods (and others) were created by Satan to ruin wine and enslave humanity.  Somehow through a combination of pride, greed, envy, anger, lust, gluttony and sloth, Satan has convinced wine makers to inject their heavenly product with mechanical and chemical evil.

The resulting product has a name: and that name is WHITE ZINFANDEL.

Make no mistake: White Zinfandel is not a varietal, it’s a style.  It’s an overly processed concoction made from Zinfandel grapes.

Zinfandel is bold and spicy red wine grape dating back to 6000 BC in Croatia.  It wasn’t until the 1870’s (AD) that Zinfandel found its way to Italy, where it was called Primaticcio (from the word “primary”, since this is one of the earlier grapes to ripen on the vine).

The first winery to create a rosé wine from Zinfandel was the El Pinal Winery in Lodi, California is 1869.  This was a different style of wine than the current abomination, as rosé wines are typically delicious and refreshing.

In contrast, White Zinfandel is useful only as a chemical to clean car battery contacts and wash the oil off of driveways.  This isn’t a wine for drinking, it’s a chemical best used in weed prevention and as an insect repellant.

I must implore you to NEVER drink a glass of that hated, liquid evil. 

To help in your education, I will now provide you with a list of absolute truths about White Zinfandel that you might not be aware of:

TEN TRUTHS ABOUT WHITE ZINFANDEL THAT YOU NEVER KNEW:

10.       White Zinfandel is made from the hearts of baby seals.

9.        White Zinfandel is fermented in old, pre-worn Nike shoes (the shoes are sold back  to the consumer as “Nike Airs”)

8.         White Zinfandel has been found to give cancer to cancer cells.

7.         Every bottle of White Zinfandel has a microscopic printed government warning on the label: “Not intended for internal use.”

6.         White Zinfandel glows in the dark.

5.         You should avoid spilling White Zinfandel on any exposed skin.

4.         Wine Coolers laugh at White Zinfandel.

3.         Knock Knock (who’s there?) White Zinfandel (GET THE HELL OFF MY PROPERTY!)

2.         Friends don’t let friends drink White Zinfandel.

And the number one truth about White Zinfandel that you never knew:

1.                  Every time someone drinks a glass of White Zinfandel, Satan kicks a puppy.

I hope by now I have helped to educate you in the ways of wine drinking, and that you’ll accept this clear and obvious warning against the dangers of drinking White Zinfandel.

Satan invented this drink from hell, and inspires wine makers in California to continue to pump out this fetid fluid to a mindless public who tend to lean towards buying Apple products and Nike running shoes.

These consumers are not bad people; they just don’t know any better; and it’s our duty as decent Malbec, Cab Franc and Bordeaux drinking wine-nuts to steer them away from the jug wines and save their palates from the gates of hell.

Salute

- Steve Runner